


The kiss

by tsukinotsurugi (forgetfulAmoeba)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Asexual Levi, M/M, There is no plot either, bisexual erwin, canonverse, discussions on sexual orientations, levi-typical language, there is no porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:07:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27556597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetfulAmoeba/pseuds/tsukinotsurugi
Summary: Levi knows he's not interested in those kinds of things. So why did he kiss Erwin?
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 5
Kudos: 71





	The kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Time to make good on my ace Levi headcanons I guess XD
> 
> I am not sure whether I wanted canonverse to be a homophobic society, but I'm going to go for one where there is a tacit acceptance in general but it is something publicly frowned upon in higher social circles.

They'd been at this ball for far too long, and Levi was reaching the end of his tether. Granted, he'd always had a low tolerance for these things, but for some reason he felt particularly irked this time round. Maybe it was yet another noble wishing to be regaled with some grand tale about how they manage to best the Titans, smug bastards whose only interest in their life-or-death missions was to show off to their contemporaries that they were the better investors and the ones right on the nose with their money, and to ogle Humanity's Strongest who was making it all possible. Certainly Erwin could cast magic with his words, and told many a good story and anecdote to keep them entertained. Or maybe it was one noblewoman too many with their supposed genteel and courtly airs, shamelessly flirting with the Commander who flattered them ever so charmingly and was ever ready to oblige them to another dance. God, he thought some of them would have a better sense of propriety, being old enough to be his or god forbid, Erwin's mother, but he supposed money and sense were at opposite ends of the spectrum: having enough of one, it was not necessary to have the other. He snorted.

But he couldn't leave yet, not when Erwin had been drawn into yet another dance, and accepting another drink from a passing waiter he slunk away to the edge of the hall to watch the proceedings. He wondered again how Erwin always managed to look so at home at such events, like he was born to it. Maybe under different circumstances, this was the life he should have been leading. He could admit that Erwin looked dashing in his formal military uniform, perfectly poised, every strand of his blond hair in place, cutting a finer figure than many of the nobles in their more expensive fabrics. His pale blue eyes flashed as he scanned the crowd, watching for whoever was making their way over to them, or whom they should cosy up to next for greatest benefit to the Corps. Right now he was twirling his partner around effortlessly, in tune with the music and her abilities, making her voluminous gown flare up beautifully, a twinkle in his eye as he smiled generously and appeared to laugh at whatever flippant remark she had made.

Levi frowned, for some reason displeased at the sight. He closed his eyes and sighed inwardly. Once again he wondered at how Erwin always managed to convince him to come to yet another function when he hated them so much, but he knew it was because he wasn't immune to the man's charms either. For the sake of the Survey Corps, it was true, but deep inside he knew that personally it was for Erwin's sake as well. At the end of the day he just didn't want to disappoint the man and be the hitch between him and his goals. He allowed himself the tiniest shake of his head. The things he would do for this man.

The pace of the music slowed and Erwin's partner moved in closer, having no qualms about the way she practically threw herself on him. Erwin for his part did not rebuff her advances, smiling as he held her waist a little tighter as they continued to dance. Levi frowned again. He knew perfectly well that it was all part of a bigger dance that they were performing, that the gestures were empty, a transaction that involved indulging in a momentary fantasy for her and the promise of additional funding for them. Still, it got to him and he didn't understand why. He didn't care about these things, the heated dance between two people and what it entailed. Or at least he'd thought he didn't. He shook his head. There was definitely something wrong with him tonight. Maybe it was because he'd had too much to drink. He looked at his hand, surprised to find the glass empty. He tried to recall how many drinks he'd had and realised that he had no idea. Far too many, he suspected, in the cause of making this evening tolerable. He could feel a pleasant buzz around the edges of his mind, along with the realisation that he would have to walk very carefully if he didn't want to make a fool of himself.

Finally, the dance ended, and Erwin bowed to his partner and kissed her hand in parting while she tittered and moved on to her next target. Erwin's eyes were bright and his cheeks a little ruddy too as he looked around the room, spotting Levi lurking in his corner and making his way over to him.

"Had enough?"

Levi nodded. Always Erwin seemed to sense when he had reached his limit and it was time to go. They made their way to the host of the party, Erwin thanking the man once again for his generosity and hospitality and making their excuses, lamenting the gruelling schedule of their early morning departure and the need to have his best soldier well-rested for regretfully having to take their leave prematurely from this most splendid ball. Their host accepted his apologies graciously, being a staunch supporter of the Survey Corps who had invited them out for the express purpose of working the party, and bid them a good rest.

They had been put up in the mansion in adjoining rooms in the guest wing and as they left the ballroom, Erwin looked him over again.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah."

Although it was the wee hours of the morning, the night was still young as far as the other revellers were concerned, and the corridors were quiet as they made their way back. They walked in comfortable silence, but Levi's mind couldn't stop whirling around the feelings stirred up from earlier. He'd known for a good while that he wasn't interested in the sort of shenanigans that people got up to between the sheets, or even the ones to get to that point, so he didn't understand what was getting him so bothered now about seeing Erwin dancing too closely with one stranger too many. Had something changed about him, he wondered? Maybe he was loosening up about these things. Did he have a thing himself for Erwin then?

He glanced over at the man beside him, but the other did not seem to notice, deep in his own thoughts.

They came to Erwin's room first, so stopping at the door, Erwin turned to him with a little smile as he made his farewell. 

"I'll see you in the morning then."

As Erwin opened the door and went in, Levi made a spur of the moment decision. Impulsively, he pushed into the dark room after Erwin, swinging the door closed behind him. He wanted to know.

"Levi, what-"

Erwin had turned around, surprise evident on his features before they were plunged into darkness again. But before he could finish, Levi had pulled at the lapels of his coat and pushed himself up to press his lips against Erwin's.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting. Erwin stiffened in surprise, but recovered quickly and brought his hands up, cradling Levi's face gently as he kissed back. He then pulled his head back and looked to withdraw from the encounter, but Levi was having none of it, gripping his shoulders hard and dragging him down. 

Erwin acquiesced to his unspoken request, bending down again, this time nibbling on his lower lip lightly as well as Levi continued to push their mouths together. He put his hands on Levi's waist as the smaller man slung his arms around his neck to keep them together.

A few moments passed like this, liplocked as Levi tried mimicking Erwin's action. He felt like something was supposed to happen, but all he could feel was that he was too aware of the motion of their mouths together, that he was thinking too clearly about it, but not of any other emotion or sensation that the act was supposed to call up. Maybe he wasn't trying hard enough. 

Levi pushed his tongue out to swipe at Erwin's lips.

The effect was electric. Erwin let out a small moan and slipped his hands further down along Levi's sides to his hips to pull him closer.

And then he felt it, the tentative hardness pressing low on his belly as Erwin aligned their bodies together. But try as he might, Levi could feel no stirring or corresponding enthusiasm on his side. And just as suddenly, overcome with panic, he pushed himself away and turned and fled out the room, leaving Erwin to stare dazedly at the spot where Levi had stood a moment ago.

+++

The room was still dark but slowly brightening when Levi opened his eyes and groaned. The awful taste in his mouth and light but annoying throbbing in his head told him what he needed to know about how much alcohol he had consumed the night before: too much. He rolled over on his back and tried to piece together events before he collapsed in the bed, and-

He sat up in horror.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

He slumped back down again. Oh, fuck. Of all the-  
For a few moments his mind was paralysed by the enormity of his actions screeching at him. Then he tried to calm down and figure out how to tackle the situation around the fuckton of fucks bouncing around in his head. He knew he could always put it down to drunken shenanigans, that he was too intoxicated to have any proper control over his actions. But somehow, he also felt like he would almost be disappointed if he did. Fuck it, he didn't want to think about it now. The pressure in his bladder was making itself known, and he decided to concentrate on the immediate problems that he could solve. At least he had the presence of mind last night to strip off his boots and coat before falling into the bed, and he padded over now in his bare feet to the adjoining bathroom to take care of the matter.

After he had relieved himself and washed his hands, he drew a sinkful of water to dunk his face in. The cold water was a shock to the system, but one in the right direction, making him feel more human as he towelled his head off and completed his morning ablutions before heading back into the bedroom.

A glass of water helped things along further as he quickly changed into a fresh set of clothes. Looking at the timepiece on the wall, he realised that he was due to meet Erwin for breakfast. He still had no idea what he was going to say about last night, but there was no time so he left his room and went to knock on the other door.

Fuck, he was just going to brazen it out.

Erwin was dressed and ready for him, and looking fresher than he felt. Levi met his gaze, preparing himself for the onslaught, but all Erwin did was give him a searching look and ask, "Levi. Did you sleep well?" with no indication that anything was out of the ordinary. So he went along with it, answering with a simple "yeah".

They went down to the dining hall and Erwin walked straight into the kitchens, frightening the staff at first, but he charmingly reassured them nothing was wrong and that he was just hoping that they could be supplied with a quick and simple breakfast without ceremony. They were served bread and toast with portions of jam and butter, a side of eggs, cheese and cured meat, along with a pot of tea. Breakfast was a quiet affair as they focused their attention on eating quickly before heading back to their rooms to pack up and prepare to leave. Before he knew it, they were face to face in the carriage heading back to headquarters.

Levi took a deep breath. This was the moment of reckoning then. He crossed his arms and kept his eyes firmly focused on the street view passing by, with an occasional glance out of the corner of his eye to gauge Erwin's reaction. Only, Erwin continued to behave as if nothing were amiss, casually looking out the window on the other side himself, and Levi was starting to wonder if he'd actually dreamt the whole thing up.

But half an hour into the ride, just when he was starting to relax, Erwin leant forward with an earnest look on his face. "Levi?"

Fuck. Levi looked at him cautiously. "What is it?"

But Erwin uncharacteristically appeared to falter, looking down at his clasped hands for a moment before collecting himself and facing him again with a determined look.

"I..I hope that you will accept my apologies for my behaviour last night. I acted most despicably and you did not deserve to be treated like that. I-"

"Wait what?" Levi interrupted. He could not believe it. Of all the scenarios, this was the last one he was expecting. He continued without thinking, "It wasn't your fault. I was the one who started it."

But Erwin was undeterred. "But I took advantage of your-"

"Fuck you didn't. And that's not why I ran off," he cut in again brusquely, eyes flashing.

This time he got Erwin's attention out of the fog of his self-recrimination. Levi could feel the other man's eyes heavy but patient on him as he waited to see if he was going to elaborate further.

Levi leant back, deflated. What the fuck was wrong with him anyway? Why couldn't he just get it on like everybody else? Sure it had been inappropriate as hell, but it would've been better than the sick feeing he had in his stomach now when he thought of his shambolic performance.

"I'm broken," he muttered quietly.

He could tell it wasn't the reason Erwin was expecting as his eyebrows knitted in consternation but again, he did not say anything, waiting for Levi to continue. Levi felt like Erwin deserved an explanation. He sighed.

"I hear the soldiers talking about their sweethearts and getting teased about what they get up to together, or the men boasting about their experiences in the brothels." Not to mention witnessing the sometimes very open display of the act in the alleyways, but he left that part out. "Fuck, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for one of these bastards. I know how it works. But.. I don't get what all the fuss is about. None of that appeals to me at all. Last night, I-" Shit. He was going to dig himself into a hole, but he ploughed on nevertheless. "I wanted to try to see if I could work up some feeling for it, but I don't feel... like I want to do it at all." He looked down at his lap.

"I... see."

"I'm sorry."

They fell back into silence as Erwin considered what the other man had just told him. Levi returned to looking out the window, his expression bland, keeping the swirl of emotions in check inside him. Fuck. Things would be awkward between them now. Things _had_ been awkward between them initially, in the early days of their partnership, dancing around each other in their uneasy truce as they each got a feel for the other. But over the course of time, they'd learnt each other's personalities and habits and settled into a natural and comfortable pattern around each other. He'd never noticed how he much enjoyed the easy rapport they now shared till the current situation brought it into focus.

And he'd just gone and thrown it all away in a moment of drunken madness.

He swore at himself again, disgruntled.

Caught up in his own morose thoughts, he startled when Erwin addressed him again, turning to look at him more sharply than he meant. Erwin met his glower straight on, albeit with a little embarrassment, piquing Levi's interest. He signalled for him to continue.

"Levi if it's alright, I would like to explore your... situation with you? I know this might be an invasion of your privacy, and it's entirely up to you, but if you agree, I'm going to be asking you some rather intrusive questions, so..." Erwin trailed off, his speech uncharacteristically clumsy.

Levi thought about it, but not feeling like he had anything (more) to lose, he shrugged. "Shoot."

"I am going to speak quite frankly here," the other man warned, although the caution seemed to be more for his own sake, as he schooled his features into a neutral expression before asking, "do you experience... morning erections?"

Ah. It wasn't the kind of thing Levi expected to come out of Erwin's mouth ever and he looked up in surprise.

"Like do I get hard in the morning and stuff? Yeah everything works in that department. And before you ask," he interrupted, seeing Erwin about to speak again, "I wank. And I come."

Erwin smiled weakly at his forwardness even as a faint colour blossomed on his cheeks. "So there is nothing physically wrong with you that way."

Levi glared at him.

Erwin continued, "did you ever have a bad experience? Involving... intimacy. Something that would make you feel threatened or alarmed being close to someone in that way..."

Levi wasn't sure whether Erwin's cautious vocabulary made it better or worse. Although for all he knew, it could well be the way these things were talked about in the circles Erwin was brought up in, not like Levi, where it was all about fucking or being fucked.

The delicacy was touching though.

"You mean did anyone ever jump me? Heck no, nobody could touch me, not that anyone would be dumb enough to try in the first place." Although that was perhaps stretching the truth a little, as there would always be some fuckingly cocky or high bastard who assumed that his age early on and then his small size made him an easy to screw target, some of them thinking it literally, but they had been small fry and easy to put right. Anyone who knew anything in the underground knew well enough to leave Levi alone.

He clacked his tongue in annoyance. "It's not that I'm put off by the thought of it. I'm the one who snogged you last night, wasn't I? But I didn't stop because it made me feel bad, it's just, I just.. it didn't feel like... anything..." The shame bloomed up in him again and he looked away.

Erwin immediately leaned forward, hand twitching like he was going to reach out, but he seemed to think better of it and pulled back again. Another bout of silence passed as the two of them stewed in their individual thoughts. Finally Erwin spoke up again. "I have a theory," he said carefully before falling silent again, as if waiting for Levi's permission to continue.

"Which is?" the smaller man prompted.

"Most people are attracted to the opposite sex. But what they don't say, is that they also don't feel attraction to those of the same sex as themselves. Am I right?"

"That's just normal, isn't it?" Levi answered automatically.

"Likewise, there are those who feel attraction to only their own sex. And then others who feel attraction to more than just one group.

We can define our sexual attraction in terms of who we are attracted to, and who we are not, isn't it? So similarly, there must be a group who feel no attraction to any group at all? And if all the other groups are valid, why should there be something wrong with this one?"

He thought about it. Put like that, Levi had to admit grudgingly that Erwin made a very convincing argument. He shrugged noncommittally in reply.

For a moment the rumble of the carriage dominated the conversation, then Erwin started up again.

"Levi, can I ask you something?" Levi nodded. 

"Why did you choose me?"

"I..." Why indeed. He cast his mind about for an explanation.

"I was the nearest available warm body?" Erwin teased.

"Fuck you," Levi scowled.

But Erwin's demeanour turned serious again. "Levi, I could never take things further with someone who has no interest, but you should know that I am attracted to you. If you hadn't realised already."

Suddenly, it felt like the air in the carriage got harder to breathe. Was this some sort of weirdass love confession? Levi eyed Erwin warily, his arms tightly crossed, trying to figure out his intention behind making such a statement. But the other man frustratingly gave nothing away, his expression straight, looking back at him steadily, waiting to see how Levi would react.

Then it struck him. A truth for a truth. Having probed Levi's insecurities, he was offering him a vulnerability in return. Shit.

He latched on to what seemed to be the safer sounding piece of information, and asked cautiously, "So does that mean that you.. like men?"

"Not exclusively," Erwin answered back evenly.

Levi thought again. "Does anyone know this?"

"It's not a fact that I would go about advertising, and even less now as the leader of the Survey Corps. But I've never expressed any interest in such a direction to give anyone any reason to even consider the possibility, let alone speculate. You've been the only one I've.. let slip."

"Huh."

They lapsed back into silence again as Levi pondered this revelation. 

Finally he declared, "it doesn't bother me."

There was an imperceptible easing of the atmosphere between them, like the letting go of a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. Seeing the other man's shoulders drop just the slightest made him realise how tense he had been himself.

In place of his usually suave smile, the one that Erwin gave him now was wide open. Cheerfully, Erwin stretched his hand out towards Levi as if to offer a handshake, but instead of an open palm, he held his fist closed with only his little finger sticking out.

"The fuck is this?"

Erwin grinned. "Pinky promise. It's a thing we did as children. I'll keep your secret and you'll keep mine. We shake on our little fingers."

Levi stared at him. "You're a fucking juvenile, you know that?" But Erwin only continued to smile brightly, keeping his hand out until Levi with a scowl of distaste reached out with his own little finger to make the briefest of contacts before snatching it back. 

Erwin put his hand back down into his lap and returned to looking out the window comfortably, looking like a man who'd struck gold. Or in his case, unlimited funding, Levi mused.

+++

Levi thought that things between them might still be awkward afterwards from all the revelations, but it was anything but. If anything, it was liberating knowing exactly how things stood between them.

Though perhaps a bit annoying when Erwin would throw an appreciative glance over to where he was on the sofa in his office, a slightly smouldering look sometimes, knowing exactly what it would get him (nothing), and Levi would roll his eyes and growl, "get the fuck back to work Erwin."

Sometimes Levi would relent, and when he brought a cup of tea up to Erwin, he would nudge just a little into his personal space. The gesture never went unnoticed, and Erwin's thanks always a touch too effusive for such a small favour.

And if Erwin would lean close, or rest a hand on his shoulder in a decidedly comradely fashion, there was nothing to ever indicate that there was more to it than that.

It was their little secret.


End file.
